Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
