i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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