Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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