I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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