Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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