you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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