im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
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I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.