Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.