I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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