how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
