Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
