I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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