God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
How's work?
Spinning.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
