There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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