Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
