My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
