Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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