I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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