Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
