Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
