I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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