There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i drank out of a bidet.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
