I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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