god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
