Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
