Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
