I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
