Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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