i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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