She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
