Pants 0. Shit 1.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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