everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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