So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
