I think i sorta joined a cult last night
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
