ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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