I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
