Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
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I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
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Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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