i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
