He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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