Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
