my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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