a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
