Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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