saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
50% drunk capacity currently
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
