I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
