really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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