I looked at my own cervix.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
