i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
