just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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