I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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