Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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