I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
