Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
