now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
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I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
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the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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